Wednesday, February 1, 2017

When God's Heart Aches


She wanted to watch a TV show while waiting for her time to go to school. I suggested a different alternative of which she rejected with disappointment. She hurried into their room, face the wall with both arms crossed, and as expected, unhappy face. I followed her into the room and offered reconciliation. She was determined not to accept my peace offering after few attempts. I let her be alone to think things through so she can settle her emotion.

Couple of minutes after I exited the room, I heard wailing. She knocked her mouth on the bed's footboard as she attempted to climb. I checked and glad her mouth looked normal, no blood or anything to be alarmed about. I wrapped her in my arms, rocked her softly, whispering words love. She was quite concern of her lip, she asked if she can look at it on the mirror. Not seeing any hint of serious injury, I proposed she can use the standing mirror in the master's bedroom. So she went, while I paced myself to the living room.

I heard sobbing. Then, a cry. I found her on the floor, curled like a ball, one hand on her mouth, whimpering. The sight of her in that position just tore my heart to pieces. As I picked her up and carried her in my arms, questions kept popping in my brain. Why did she not yell for me (if she needed help)? Why did she choose to just lay on the floor and cry, instead of demanding for my attention? My heart ached. I felt like she didn't trust me. I felt like I was not a good enough of a mama.

While battling insecurity and guilt, God spoke to my heart, "The searing pain you feel in your heart, it's what I feel each time you don't ask me for help when you need it." I asked, "What???" I was confused. I didn't understand what He was talking about. Then, He touched my heart. His touch reminded me one very important truth: He is my Father. He is my parent. Of all people, He is the one who completely understands what I am going through. The pain He feels in His heart is more excruciating compared to how I feel when my children don't come to me for help. After all, He is the one who knows me the most. He is the one who fearfully and wonderfully formed me in my mother's womb. He knows my very soul (Ps. 139:14).

What a revelation for me not only as a parent, but most of all, as God's child. I  never saw this before. Never thought of it. I never knew how my Father felt those moments I needed help and I didn't seek Him to take care of me. I didn't know how much His heart aches everytime I take Him out of the picture during my times of need, from biggest to smallest.

I applied ice pack on her swollen upper lip. Thankfully the swelling subsided before she headed to school. All is well that ends well. After all what happened and got my mind cleared up, I realized that my daughter's choice of action didn't mean she didn't trust me at all. It is one of those times when instead of calling for help, she cries out loud to get her Momma's attention. I guess she likes the idea of her Mom running to the rescue because she regard me as her superhero.

On other hand, I need to practice reminding myself to approach my Father first when I need something. It doesn't matter how tiny or gigantic my need is. What matters is, who I go to (first) for help. As a human being, I tend to forget a lot. Along the way, I will cause Him heartache again. But His amazing grace through Jesus Christ will supply strength for my weakness. And no matter what, He will always love me.

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