Monday, June 14, 2021

"Are you okay?"

"Are you okay?" She asked me that question as her eyes met mine, my arms around her, her arms around mine. I nodded. But she knew my nod didn't mean yes as the answer to her question.

I gazed my eyes back on the screen as the worship team continued the song, leading the congregation to praise Him.

She knew for sure I wasn't okay. I was not the usual mom she sees at church during worship. My body was not dancing with the music. I didn't open my mouth to sing. I didn't raise my hands to praise. I stood beside her like a statue.

I wasn't okay, and it's okay. I got to church with this raging feeling inside. Several minutes before that, I was at home, mad. Little things ticked me. I snapped at the girls. My husband too. Usually, I manage to resolve these kind of feelings on our way to church. But today, I decided to be stubborn. I decided to feed those feelings.

While the worship started, I just stood there for minutes. I sulked. I was throwing tantrums inside me. I was like in a "terrible-twos" kind of outburst, but in a silent way. I tried to read the lyrics of the song. Some words penetrated my disordered heart. Some spilled to nothingness.

But... God.

Despite my messy thoughts and stormy emotions, I anchored myself to one truth. My Father loves me despite of my fit. I hear Him say, "It's okay." And He's right there, patiently waiting for me to run to Him whenever I am ready. He's right there, arms ready to receive me. In situations like this, I sometimes think of  how spoiled I am because the God of the universe waits for me. He understands me. He doesn't demand to pull myself together right there and then. He waits. He never leaves. That is probably the reason why sometimes, I just allow myself to wallow in my emotions and feel the outburst like a child who didn't get what she wants. All because I know deep inside, that to my Father, it's okay to feel that way. That doesn't change His love for me anyway. That's how secure I am.

I am loved no matter what.

Wednesday, March 24, 2021

"Martha, Martha..."

"Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things. But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her." 
Luke 10:41-42

"Riza, Riza, you are worried and troubled about many things. But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her." 

I can hear Jesus telling me these words, only when I actually take a pause and listen. Many times, I am deaf of these words from Him. My deafness is caused by the worries and troubles about many things. I often do this during my Bible time in the morning. Most oftent than not, I hurry my time with the Lord. A quarter of my brain is with him, three quarters are on the things I need to do for the day. I call it "my time with the Lord." The reality is, it isn't. Oftentimes, I don't even recognize that I am doing it. It's because my mind is full of worries and troubles of this world. Just like Martha when she got upset that her sister Mary didn't help her prepare food to serve Jesus.

Unlike Martha, I do not have Mary with me to get upset of. Part of myself is actually the "Mary" who wants to spend time with the Word of the Lord. Yet, the Martha side of me is dominant.

"Help me Jesus in times the Martha in me nags to hurry my time with you. Help the Mary in me to overcome the other side so that my soul is satisfied after each time I spend with you."